“Pour some sugar on me”, whispered the coffee to the spoon.
Now, we will take a moment of silence for the fact that I haven’t had coffee in 5 days. FIVE. DAYS. That’s almost a week or in coffee terms, eternity. My life is a hoot because guess what show I decided to binge during my coffee-less days? Gilmore Girls. I mean, Lorelai’s coffee addiction is a main character in itself. Instead of focusing on Rory, Jess, and Dean’s love triangle or if Jackson gets the nerve to marry Sookie, I’m wondering if Lorelai drinks her coffee straight up or does she have a hint of hazelnut creamer or caramel drizzled inside the to-go cup. The coffee thoughts are endless.
Mouth is literally watering. Let’s proceed.
Coffee is a no-go for me because, per the ER doctor, I had a severe panic/anxiety attack last week. He gave me a list of things to do and not do- sadly, coffee is on the naughty list. Quarantine started the anxiety flame back in March. There were days when my fear precisely told my brain that I was short of breath. I checked my temperature more than I checked my phone. I washed and sanitized my hands until my skin was so raw that I got dry cracks and rashes. I Lysol wiped E V E R Y T H I N G.
I didn’t leave our house for 11 weeks. However, around week 4, when I realized our household was safe and clean, did I start to calm down. I started to enjoy the backyard conversations with the parents. I tried my hand at yard work- I unevenly trimmed the shrubs, but hey, they cute. I re-re-restarted a routine of nightly devotions and quiet time with God. I baked sooooooo many banana breads, muffins, Coca-Cola cakes and did a good majority of cooking dinner. The kitchen appliances aren’t an enemy after all. We enjoyed family dinners on the back patio, laughing, chatting, and listening to nature. Quarantine life wasn’t so bad. I actually got to a point where I dreaded going back to the normal hustle and bustle of life.
The last week of May was the first time that I stepped inside a store. Of course, I had a mask on and a bottle of sanitizer in my purse and looked at people like aliens from space, but I did it. As life started back up, I found myself becoming anxious again. I mentally wasn’t ready to return to work and even though summer was still ahead, it felt like we’d have to jump right back in. I was nervous about returning to church. I was terrified of my not-in-the-best-health parents braving the world again because they were very excited about things being open. Sheltering in place made me feel so safe that returning to normalcy scared me to death.
The parents planned a long weekend to my grandparent’s cabin in TN and after EXTREME deliberation, I tagged along. I was paranoid the entire time…about everything. Bears in the yard. Cougars on the roof. Snakes in the toilets. Scorpions in the bed. About 20 hours into the trip, I couldn’t wait to get back home. I had a long 4 days ahead of me. Returning home meant facing another beast: buying a new house. I have lived with the parents since December and have been paying off some bills and getting my student loans current. This part has been super stressful and worrisome.
Anyway, a very long story short, all of this has been weighing on my mind. Even when I’m not actually thinking about it, I’m thinking about it. If that makes sense. I’m trying to be a responsible adult, homeowner, foster Momma in waiting, successful grad student, energetic teacher, dependable daughter, better writer, drama free, and most of all, more Christ-like. It’s a lot. It’s intense. I’m a perfectionist.
Unfortunately, and utmost frightening, it caught up with me.
I’ve always had headaches (thanks stubborn sinuses), but the headaches changed. The pain traveled down to my neck. I couldn’t sleep. I was restless. I was sluggish. I was irritable. In my heart of hearts, I knew I was the cause of the pain. I was making myself sick. I knew it, I just didn’t want to admit it. Instead, I Googled causes and symptoms and scenarios which led to tumors and aneurysms and cancer. I freaked myself out SO much that I locked myself in the bathroom last week, crying and begging God not to let me die. No joke, y’all. Paranoia in its finest.
After spending some time in the ER and having the doctor reassure me that I was not about to get wheeled into an OR room or that I wasn’t going to die during brain surgery like Dr. Derek Shepard (still not over that, btw), did I start to calm down. I worked myself up SO much that my blood pressure was almost in the 200s.
I did this to myself. I made myself sick, literally physically sick.
It’s been almost a week since my “episode” and it has been a daily struggle to keep myself calm. I do stretches throughout the day. I meditate and pray more. I sit outside alone and soak in nature and His creation. I journal. I lay on the floor in the dark with spa-like music to center my mind. Sadly, I have to constantly remind myself that I am not sick. I am healthy. The doctor said it. I know it. But it’s so hard not to give in to the panic and worry as to why my neck is still stiff (new pillow is on its way) at times or that the pressure behind my eyes and nose is due to my twisted allergies and that maybe I should be wearing my glasses more. It’s incredibly difficult not to succumb to anxiety and fear.
As I’ve reassessed some things these few days, I have realized that our minds are powerful tools. It has to repeatedly be fed with positive thoughts and facts. It needs time and space to recenter. It needs pep talks and reminders. It needs adequate sleep and rest. It needs less FOX and CNN and more Hallmark and Animal Planet. It needs less world and more Jesus. In my 30 years (holy moly that’s still weird to say), I have never been more aware of my mental health than I am right now.
Wrapping up this vent sesh, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. The first half of 2020 has definitely been unprecedented and apocalyptic- so to speak, but we can turn the last half around. If not for the world, for yourself. I plan to turn it around for me. Time is precious, don’t let Satan steal your joy. I’m preaching to myself too.
Remember…
- He has overcome the world (aka anything you’re going through)
- Fear is a liar (repeat that daily)
- Cast all of your cares upon Him for He cares for YOU
Oh, and someone have some coffee for me, pretty please!
Until next time,
Rach