This past summer, I fell in love…twice.
I know that’s blatant, but it’s true. I’m not a public person when it comes to my feelings or private relationships. I feel these things should be guarded, protected, and personal. I’m also not one to post pictures of us or tag us in “check-ins” on social media. Sure, I’ll post teasing and cheesy quotes like “being near him makes me smile” but my social media friends and followers will likely never see my significant other until we reach the point of no return. To explain the seriousness of my private-ness, this past summer unfolded without one person in my family, other than my mom, knowing it occurred. I shared bits and pieces with a few close friends, but even they don’t know the depth of it. Nevertheless, I hope those reading this blog respect my vulnerability and take my growth and what I’ve learned to heart.
On to the good stuff.
Summer of 2018 was one for the books, one I will never forget. One I never want to forget. It was a summer of happenstance, weird beginnings, unpredictability, happiness, closeness, deep friendship, butterflies, and love. I’m even smiling as I write this. When the story began, I had absolutely no idea the road I would travel, the feelings I would feel, and how it was a complete God-sized, God-ordained summer.
I met him on June 1st. (FYI, he shall remain nameless since we share mutual friends). It was an unexpected meet and it wasn’t a very good one. He interrupted a conversation I was having with someone and when he was introduced to me, he gave me a weird look- one I can’t even describe. All I can say is, he was a rude jerk. (P.S. he’s fully aware of my thoughts on our first meet). Thinking of this encounter still makes me giggle. I rolled my eyes and walked away from the conversation, going about my business. I didn’t see him again for the remainder of the night.
The following weekend, word got to me about something negative he said about me. I mean, I knew nothing of this guy and he knew nothing of me, so why was he bashing me to other people? And the nerve of him. I dislike confrontation, but I dislike male arrogant, jerks more. So I found him on social media and sent him a message.
Ya’ll it was downhill from there. Literally. To this day, it blows my mind how one confrontational message turned into the fastest, deepest friendship I had experienced. We became inseparable. We talked nonstop. We talked from sun up to sun up, no joke. There were plenty of nights we said “goodnight” at 2, 3, or 5am. We talked about any and everything. From him asking if I liked tacos and chicken nuggets (because he’d never met a girl who didn’t like them) to his obsession with Star Wars. Side note: We made a deal. He’d watch Jane Eyre (my favorite movie) and I’d watch Star Wars (his favorite movie). Well, he failed to tell me the order of these ridiculous movies, so I watched them completely out of order and was utterly lost. Haha.
Somewhere in our talks, things turned serious. Not romantically (yet) but spiritually. I began learning how passionate he was about his faith. First, let me back track a bit before proceeding. At this point in my life, I regret to inform you that God and faith were not at the top of my list. Things have happened throughout my childhood and recently in my adult life that pulled me away from God and put a bad taste in my mouth for all things (and people) faith-based. So, if his sincere and deep passion for his faith had been the first thing I’d learned about him, I would have said “Adios” in heartbeat without ever blinking an eye. I know, I know… I’m no longer in that dark place.
Back to the story. After several deep discussions about God and him baring his soul to me (all of his dark pasts exposed), I began to slowly open up too. It was rough in the beginning because I just knew this guy was going to think my stories were insane and he’d wash his hands of me. But it wasn’t like that. It was like he wanted to know all of the parts I didn’t love about myself and my life so he could know where to begin caring (or loving) and rebuilding first.
Imagine meeting someone who understood all of the dustiest, darkest corners of your mixed-up soul, but chose you anyway. Imagine the countless texts containing scriptures of “I will be with; you are precious in my eyes, I love you. Fear not for I am with you.” Imagine the hundreds of hours spent talking through Bible passages and praying with and for each other. Imagine connecting so deeply and emotionally and spiritually that it scared the living daylights out of you. Imagine finding the one person who laughed at your jokes and sassiness, the person who actually asked how you were, the person who told you things straight up, the person who said he cherished you and you were good enough and pretty enough and worth his time. Imagine the person who was so happy to have found you as a friend as well. Imagine the peace in your heart when you know you’ve found the one God has created for you.
I fell…and I fell hard.
I bet you’re reading this and thinking how perfect this guy is and how white his horse must be and if he has a clone to give to your daughter or best friend. More so, you’re probably wondering when our wedding date is and when our little redheaded “Allie” (inside joke) will be running around.
I wish I could answer those questions for you, but regrettably I can’t. You see, my person (so I often called him) broke my heart. I won’t go into the details because we share mutual people and I’d never want others to see him in a bad light. I still don’t see him in a bad light, just as someone who has made poor choices and actions where our relationship/friendship is concerned.
NO ONE IS SENT TO ANYONE BY ACCIDENT.
In the last few days, people close to me have found out about what I’m assuming is our ending. If I’ve heard the above words once, I’ve heard them a million times. While I believe those words with my whole heart, I didn’t want to apply them to him. At times, I’m okay with applying it to him, but some days (or moments) are a lot harder. I guess those words finalize things in many ways.
You see, not only did I fall in love with him, I also fell in love with God. Despite his actions to me and the broken heart he’s left me with, I owe him everything in regards to finding my way back to God and my faith. Maybe this is the reason he was sent to me. Maybe this is why we connected so deeply and so quickly. Maybe this is why I fell for him, trusting him with my deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe he was placed in my life to hold my hand until I found my way back to the cross. Maybe my broken heart is for the good. Maybe, just maybe, we were only meant to be temporary.
Falling in love with God has been the most magical, romantic thing I’ve experienced. I can honestly say that my love for Him now doesn’t even compare to the love I thought I had for Him years ago. My soul is at peace more often than its not. Somehow, I smile on days when I feel the worst. I find beauty in the pain and hurt. I find reassurance in knowing that He is wiping away all of my tears and those breakdowns lessen each time because He is comforting me. After years of silence (I’m being real), I kneel by my bedside every night to pray and talk to Him. Each day, I find strength to keep going. And for the first time in my life, I’ve trusted Him with my heart and my cares and my future. Friends, let me tell you, that’s a beautiful and freeing thing.
While he broke my heart, He mends and protects it.
While his words were careless, His are true and empowering.
While his actions are wounding, His are loving.
While his promises failed, His are everlasting.
While he moves on without me, He will never forsake me.
I’m not going to lie, at times, the pain sucks. At times, I break down and cry. At times, I smile thinking back on the good times. At times, thoughts of slashing his tires doesn’t sound too bad (LOL). At times, seeing him makes me sad and hurt all over again. And at times, seeing him still makes my heart skip a little beat. But through all of that, I can truly say IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL. God has things (and people) in store for me. He tells us that all things work together for good to those who love Him. He has good for me. I don’t want great or amazing, I just want His good for me.
*An Open Letter To My Person*
I miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss the late night talks and laughs. I miss hanging out. I miss the way we’d be in a deep conversation and when our eyes locked, I blushed and you’d smile. I miss the times I’d be ranting on about something meaningless yet when I’d look at you, you’d be watching me so intently it’d give me goosebumps. I miss listening to you go on and on about history and religion. I could sit and listen to you talk for hours. I miss the numerous times I’d try to force you to watch Mamma Mia or I’d break out in song and you’d just shake your head, laughing. I miss the times where I’d opt for a donut and you’d opt for an 8 mile run or when I’d accidentally knock my glass at dinner and the wet straw would fly across the table at you. I miss the way you sought me out and the way you knew how much I needed you. I miss your effort of telling me constantly how much I meant to you. I miss your never-ending encouragement, always lifting me up. I miss us. I miss my friend.
If I meant that much to you, why did you hurt me?
You chose the sweetest words to get to my heart and the most poisonous actions to break it. You broke down my walls, then broke me too. We had conversations that were impossible for others to understand. But what I miss the most are the little moments when it seemed like you really cared about me and when it seemed I was important to you. You said there was no expiration date on us. You said I was in your circle and I’d always be good enough for you. You said, you said, you said. How could you throw that all away?
No matter our ending, I thank you. Thank you for bringing me back to Him. Thank you for lighting a spark inside of me and now my faith is ablaze. Thank you for boosting my self-confidence because I am worthy, I am enough, and I do matter. Thank you for the months of friendship you gave me. Thank you for your time. And even if we never speak again, I want you to know that I forgive you and I am forever altered by who you are and what you meant to me. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart.
Xx, Rach (because you hated that nickname)